Something I find myself saying nearly every day is, “Why is life so hard? Why is this so difficult?” Sometimes its brought about by a fight with one of my kids. Sometimes it’s brought about by a can falling off a shelf. Big and little, nothing comes easily lately. So i find myself often uttering those words (let’s be honest – there are usually a few choice words thrown in too) and resigning myself to “this is my lot in life.”
Today at church, I broke down and wept. A sermon on suffering, on finishing well, left me reeling as I confront the last four months of life. They’ve been fucking hard. I am weary. From a hard pregnancy riddled with depression, to relationships that turned out to be shallower than I expected. There was a birth that left me unable to care for my older two children and requiring the assistance of others to do everything. There’s a body that just won’t bounce back. There was a sudden estrangement in my family. There was a sudden death in my husband’s family. There was and continues to be lots of anger, defiance, disobedience. There are hurt feelings over once-deep friendships that seem fractured. There are the normal squabbles over housework and responsibilities and there are the deep moments of grieving over sin – both in my own heart and in others.
Some of it I blame on sleep deprivation. It makes a coward of us all – and a weepy mom of me. But the reality is, regardless of how strong I try to be or how some hours go well, it’s all a veneer of a much darker bent of my heart. It makes me pause for a minute and think, “I need to trust Jesus more,” but then I go right back to trying to handle it on my own.
Today, though, today it all came crashing in. In the midst of trying to heal, trying to be strong, trying to have the right answers and the right response to everyone – I realized I’m floundering. I’m not doing well. Fathers shouldn’t abandon their children; young men shouldn’t die so soon; friends should be steadfast – but that’s not how it all works. Sin sucks. Sin ruins friendships, families, lives. And when it all comes crashing down, when what we thought was sure and steadfast falls away, all I can do is weep and let Jesus hold me.
Have you ever heard a song by Natalie Grant called Held? It’s SO GOOD. I’m going to put it right here so you listen to it. Seriously. Do it.
SO GOOD, right?
At the end of the day and at (hopefully) the end of an incredibly tough season of life, this is all I can cling to. That when all falls away, this is what it means to be held. That my Good Father promises restoration one day. That my sweet Jesus love me enough to die for me – even when it feels like everyone else abandoned me. This is what it means to be held.
“This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.”